Silent Hill 5: Homecomings Suck
by Darkcomet
Summary: A parody of Silent Hill Homecoming. Chapter 5: Prune Juice. After a year a new chapter has been uploaded. Will the gun get fixed? Read an find out!
1. Hospital Hell

Silent Hill 5

Homecomings Suck

Chapter 1: Hospital Hell

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story…but Konami does.

"Ow my head" Alex thought as he regained consciousness.

"Damn how wasted did I get lat…wait what the hell!" Alex said as he tried to move but then realized that he was strapped down to what seemed to be a moving table…otherwise know as a gurney.

"Oh my god…I've been abducted by Eli Roth!" Alex yelled as he looked around and saw some unspeakable things.

"What in the hell is going on!" Alex Yelled as he was rolled through a set of doors. The first door he saw slammed shut and had the number 206 on it.

"Why the hell did that door shut!" Alex yelled. At the next door it appeared a child was being cut up by someone. The next had a different child being strangled or smothered he couldn't tell. In the final door he saw a man carrying yet another child and dropped him in a big gaping hole in the ground.

"Oh my god it is worse than I thought…I've been abducted by 4Kids!" Alex yelled and tried even harder to escape.

"Dude shut up you yell to much." The doctor pushing him said. He was wearing a face mask but something about him seemed familiar.

"Wait…do I know you?" Alex asked.

"No we have never met, and I am most certainly not an illusion of your father." The doctor said.

"Oh thank god…my father is an asshole." Alex said actually calming down and laying down his head and rolled it left.

"Wait…Josh?" Alex said seeing a kid drawing on the floor. The kid promptly looked up and gave him the finger.

"JOSH YOU LITTLE BASTARD I'M GONNA GET YOU!" Alex yelled as he tried to get out the straps again. But this action yielded no results and he was eventually wheeled into a different room. The doctor left and Alex began to think.

"Hmmm…last thing I remember was getting wasted with my military buddies Biggs and Wedge, I got into a bar fight where I defeated one hundred ninja's and twenty robots in hand to hand combat. I guess I must have blacked out and woke up here. But where is here?" Alex thought to himself. He looked around and took a guess he was in a hospital.

"Oh well I have plenty of time to get out of this, I mean the doctor is just about to get out of eye sight and when he does…Houdini time!" Alex thought as he prepared. The doctor walked a few steps and was promptly impaled with a big ass sword.

"SCREW THAT HOUDINI TIME IS NOW!" Alex yelled as he struggled as he saw the doctor's corpse being drug off. He finally escaped and hid in the corner. Alex was a pretty tough looking guy, short brown hair. Wearing a tan jacket with am American Flag sewed into one of the sleeves. Despite the fact he had been in a war, that didn't stop him from hiding like a bitch.

"What in the holy name of Captain Falcon was that?" Alex said to himself. After waiting what seemed to be forever he ventured outside and saw a trail of blood leading away.

"Note to self, this hospital is not safe." Alex stated the obvious as he followed the trail of blood. He eventually came to the place where Josh was sitting.

"Hi big bro." Josh said in a sarcastic tone not even looking up from his picture.

"Can it you little shit…what are you doing in Iraq?" Alex asked.

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Josh asked.

"The war in Iraq. You know the place I have been for the past few years." Alex said.

"You are in America dumb ass." Josh said still drawing.

"I call bullshit." Alex said.

"Hey I want my doll." Josh said.

"What in the hell does that have to do with me?" Alex asked.

"Will you go get it for me? I want my Robbie." Josh said.

"What you mean Butt the rabbit?" Alex asked.

"His name is Robbie…got get him." Josh said.

"Screw you, why in the hell is that damn rabbit is so important?" Alex asked.

"Look if you don't go get him you can't get past this gate." Josh said.

"Fine you creepy little bastard!" Alex said as he stormed off. He wandered around in this hospital for awhile and eventually walked into a room where he saw Robbie sticking out of a hole in the wall.

"Well this seems easy enough." Alex said but when he walked towards it the doll was pulled into the wall.

"Ah could just be rats, I can get it." Alex said as he stupidly put his hand in the hole. His arm was suddenly pulled into the hole.

"AHHH I CAN FEEL TEETH!" He yelled as he yanked his arm out and he noticed he had the doll in his hands.

"Thank god for that." Alex said as he went back to where Josh was sitting.

"Here come get your damn doll." Alex said as he put the doll through the hall. Josh looked up and stared at it for a second; he stared with his creepy little eyes.

"Well do you want it?" Alex said as he jiggled the doll around.

"Yeah." Josh said as he stood up and took the doll.

"So…open the door." Alex said.

"Pfft, screw you." Josh said as he began to walk off.

"Okay I tried to be nice but now I'm pissed." Alex yelled as he stepped back a few steps and rammed the door and knocked it right off of its hinges.

"Come here little bro." Alex said in a pissed tone of voice. Josh promptly ran away.

"Oh come on where are you going?" Alex yelled as he took off after him. He chased him for awhile and then eventually lost sight of him.

"If there is one thing the creep is good at it is running away." Alex said panting. He looked around and eventually found a bathroom.

"Thank god I have to take a dump the size of Jupiter." Alex said as he walked into the bathroom. When he got in the bathroom he saw Josh exit out of the door on the other side of the room.

"Ah the game is afoot!" Alex yelled as he walked forward a few steps but stopped when he saw a knife stabbed into the mirror.

"Now this is what I am talking about, I am an excellent knife fighter. Not to keen on pipes or axes though." Alex said as he pulled the knife out. He suddenly heard a siren and the room started to change.

"Well…this is new to say the least." Alex said as the wall started to peel away. He looked around as everything began to turn red and occasionally pulse. He started to hear footsteps in one of the stalls.

"Uhhh, hello is someone there?" Alex asked. At that point what looked to be a nurse walked out and began to twitch its head wildly. She was wearing a very revealing uniform.

"Hey baby…what is such a sexy girl like you doing in a hell hole like this?" Alex began to flirt not noticing the fact her head was literally going wild…or the fact that she had no face. His eyes were elsewhere to say the least. The nurse then pulled out a small knife and swung it at Alex but he of course just shifted his arm and raised his knife to block hers.

"Playing hard to get, I find that attractive in a woman." Alex said. The Nurse then realizing she was dealing with an idiot promptly stabbed herself in the throat and fell to the floor dead.

"You seem to be busy right now…call me later." Alex said as he looked for an exit to the room. The only thing he saw was some sort of flesh wall.

"Well, I do have a knife." He said as he cut the wall open and slid through the hole he made. He walked through a hallway and up some stairs when suddenly a wheelchair came rolling towards him.

"Shit!' Alex said as the wheelchair ran into him and pushed him to the bottom of the stairs.

"Urge to kill…rising…rising…RISING!" Alex yelled as he charged up the stairs and saw a window that had been smashed slightly. He broke it and dove headfirst through. There were two more nurses in this room who had began to look in this direction, as with all nurses it was hard to tell as these also had no face.

"Alex doesn't want sexy time right now…I have a brother to murder." Alex said as he walked past the nurses and out of the room. The nurses just looked at each other and went about their business.

"Where the hell did he get off to now?" Alex said as he looked around but he began to hear a sort of scuttling sound.

"What in the hell is that noise?" Alex said and looked in the direction the noise was coming from. He saw about five big bugs crawling towards him.

"Wow I thought this place was bad before…but roaches damn this place is disgusting!" Alex said as the bugs began to fly.

"I stand corrected…flying roaches even worse." Alex said as he swung his knife and killed them all in one swing.

"Wow that was…pathetic." Alex said kind of disappointed but he kept walking until he came to a large door.

"Observation room eh?" Alex said as he went inside. He couldn't see much from where he was so he decided to go down to the ground floor. He looked for awhile but couldn't find a way down, so he ended up just jumping off the side and landed quite gracefully and unharmed.

"So what is down here…oh." Alex said as he noticed half of the doctor that was pushing him on the gurney. There were also three nurses who weren't even paying attention to him.

"I am going to have some fun in this room." Alex said as he quietly got behind each nurse and slit each of their throats.

"Suck it snake!" Alex yelled as he tried to leave but noticed the door was locked. So he decided to go up another floor after cutting through another flesh wall. When he reached the top of the stairs he saw the other half of the doctor's corpse.

"Well it seems you have a splitting headache." Alex said and waited as he expected for some sort of laughter which didn't come.

"Oh lookie here, a key!" He said gleefully as he picked it up and went back downstairs to use it on the locked door.

"I am the smartest man alive." Alex said as he walked through the door. He wandered around some more and saw Josh running down a hallway.

"I got you now!" Alex said as he pursued him, but was distracted when he saw a drawing on one of the doors, he picked it up.

"This drawing looks like shit…wait there are three rabbits, two big and one small." Alex thought about it for a few moments.

"Oh that cheeky bastard wont give me place in his shitty drawing, that's it he's dead." Alex stated as he walked around the corner and noticed an elevator. After spending about half an hour trying to get the door to open by pulling on the doors he finally noticed the button and pushed it and the door magically opened…yeah.

"Well seeing as there are only two floors I guess I should go to the only other floor." Alex said as he pushed the button. Halfway there the elevator stopped and a loud metal scraping was heard.

"I don't like where this seems to be going." Alex said as he backed away from the door as the scraping seemed to be getting closer.

"Mommy." Alex whined as the scraping stopped.

"Oh thank god…I thought I was going to die there for a sec…." He tried to say but a big ass knife shot through the door and into his face.

"DON'T RAPE ME!" Alex yelled as he woke up inside of a semi-truck.

"What in the hell kind of dream were you having there son?" The driver asked. He was wearing a tan hat and a tan coat with a red and black checkered undershirt; he also had a bad case of five o' clock shadow.

"I was dreaming?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, you kept talking about nurses and killing some kid named Josh with a knife. I was begging to wonder if I should call a mental hospital." The driver said.

"No that's okay, by the way did I ever catch your name?" Alex asked.

"Yeah I've told you about ten times now my Name is Travis…Travis Grady." Travis said as the steering wheel broke off.

"OH MY GOD WE ARE GOING TO DIE!" Alex screamed like a girl. Travis just pulled another steering wheel out of thin air and putting it back in place and kept driving as if nothing happened.

"What is your problem?" Travis asked casually.

"Does that happen often!?" Alex asked confused.

"Oh yeah, everything I touch breaks after so long…everything." Travis said.

"You can't be serious." Alex said.

"Yep, it's a real bitch trying to go to the bathroom." Travis said.

"Oh…okay." Alex said.

"By the way where are we headed again?" Travis said.

"I've already told you." Alex said.

"I know, but tell me again for expositions sake." Travis said.

"Fine, we are heading to…Sheppard's Glen." Alex said dramatically.

END OF CHAPTER

Well here it is, after a few months it has started, the beginning of the end. I would like to take the time to thank fellow author The Man Who Has No Life for the thing with Travis and breaking objects. He has a story as well called "Roommates are Hell" it is awesome! So since my schedule this semester is more lenient I hope to get more chapters up. I will also be updating "Megaman Stupid Network" as well. I also have ideas for another story a Mega Man X parody; I have a poll on my page for those of you who wish to voice your feedback on the issue. So that wraps it up for this chapter, so see you next time.


	2. Home Sweet Home

Chapter 2

Home Sweet Home

Disclaimer: This story is not owned by me...it would be awesome if it was though.

"So how much time before we get to Silent Hill?" Alex said bored out of his mind.

"Long enough for us to carry on a conversation." Travis said not even looking at Alex.

"Oh…I'm Alex, Alex Shepherd." Alex said trying to spark a conversation.

"I know that, you told it to me when I picked you up. I have a question though, the town I am driving you to, Shepherd's Glen, is it just a coincidence that the town's name is the same as your last name?" Travis asked.

"I've thought the same thing before but I'm sure that, that fact will never be relevant." Alex said with confidence.

"Oh I see, must just be me then." Travis said as his seat belt broke. He just shrugged and kept on.

"You weren't kidding about things breaking." Alex said.

"Did it look like I was?" Travis said.

"So what is it you do?" Alex asked.

"I am the governor Wisconsin." Travis said.

"Whoa really!?" Alex said in shock.

"No dumb-ass I am a truck driver!" Travis said sounding very annoyed.

"So any interesting stories from the road?" Alex asked.

"I do have one story, but the powers that be won't let me tell it." Travis said annoyed again.

"Was it a funny or scary story?" Alex said.

"It would have been my only story, but I've been downgraded to only a cameo driving some stupid asshole to his adventure." Travis said his eyes starting to water up.

"That bastard! Why would someone be so mean?" Alex said patting him on the shoulder.

"Don't worry about it we are almost there." Travis said.

"Oh thank god! I was starting to wonder if I would ever get there." Alex said, completely forgetting Travis is about to have an emotional breakdown.

"…Asshole." Travis said sniffling. A few minutes later they were in Shepherd's Glen.

"Thanks for the ride, you're cool guy!" Alex said shutting the truck door and walking off.

"Oh, I'm not done with you. Enjoy your homecoming now, because I'll make sure it will be short…then I'll be the main character! Now to find a place to park this damn truck." Travis said as he drove off into the fog.

"It has been so long since I have been home…I still hate this place though." Alex said as he walked down the street.

"Well I don't believe it!" A female voice came through the fog.

"My god the town has developed a voice…WITCHCRAFT!" Alex yelled.

"No Alex it's me…I assume you wouldn't recognize me." A woman who looked to be about twenty five walked out of the mist. She was dressed in a female politicians outfit and had blonde hair.

"Uhhh…Okay, who are you?" Alex asked

"It's me Margaret…Margaret Holloway, the town judge." She said smiling.

"Wait, Elle's mom!?" Alex said shocked.

"Yes, so you do remember." She said excitedly as she hugged Alex.

"Holy shit! She is like fifty! But she is hot as hell!" Alex thought.

"What have you been up to?" Judge Holloway asked.

"Well you know military and stuff." Alex said.

"Oh I see." She said.

"So where is everybody at?" Alex asked.

"You know, it's the damnedest thing, I haven't seen anyone in about a few weeks now." She said.

"Ah. How about my brother, seen him around?" Alex asked.

"No, can't say that I have." She said.

"Damn it!" He yelled stomping the ground.

"Awwww, you really miss him don't you?" She said.

"Uhhhh, yeah that's the reason." Alex said.

"Well, why don't you head on home I bet your mom is DYING to see you." She said.

"Why did you put so much emphasis on dying?" Alex asked.

"No reason." She said walking off towards the courthouse.

"This doesn't look like a one man job." Alex said as he pulled out a cell phone and punched in a number.

"Please answer your phone." Alex said to himself.

Meanwhile a few states over.

"Honey the phone is ringing!" A woman yelled. A man in a green jacket with dirty blonde hair walked over to the phone.

"Who is it?" He asked.

"I don't know! Answer it and find out!" She yelled.

"Fine! Hello?" He said as he picked up the phone.

"James…is that you?" Alex said on the other end.

"Yes…who this be?" James said.

"This is Alex…Mary's cousin." Alex said.

"Oh yeah! I remember! What is it you need?" James asked.

"Well do remember when I helped you cover for my cousins' death?" Alex asked.

"Yeah…you want me to help you kill someone don't you?" James asked.

"Yeah, could you come to Shepherd's Glen?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I guess I could." James said.

"Cool hurry if you could." Alex said hanging up.

"Honey! I'm going to go to Shepherd's Glen to assist in first degree murder. Don't wait up!" James said as he walked out the door.

Back over in Shepherd's Glen.

Alex had finally wandered to his house and walked in the door. His house looked the same, except it smelled like old lady and death.

"Damn it stinks in here. Is anyone here?" Alex shouted; no answer.

"Well, I guess I will wander around for awhile." Alex said as he walked upstairs into his old room.

"Well this is where I had to bunk up with that ugly little troll for all those years." Alex said as he had a flashback.

"Alex…Alex…ALEX!" Josh yelled from the bottom bunk.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT I'M TRYING TO SLEEP UP HERE!" Alex yelled.

"Hey shut the hell up in there!" Their father yelled from the other room.

"I'm scared of the dark." Josh whimpered.

"Take this and shut the hell up." Alex said as he threw a flashlight and hit Josh in the face, breaking his nose and knocking him out.

"Good times, good times." Alex said in the present. He looked on the bed and saw a flashlight.

"Hey now this could come in handy…I just wish there was some form of laser pistol here. I don't even know why I would think something like that?" Alex said to himself as a noise was made downstairs.

"Time to rock." He said hoping he could kill something. When he got downstairs he saw his mother sitting in a rocking chair, she had a quilt over her lap and had grey hair.

"Mom? Is that you?" Alex asked.

"Yes honey, why are you home?" She asked.

"I came to kill…er…find Josh I had a bad feeling. Yeah bad feeling that's it." Alex said.

"Oh…I haven't seen him." She said in a trance like voice.

"Well where is dad?" Alex asked.

"Gone." She said.

"You mean dead? PRAISE GOD!" Alex had a small celebration in his mind.

"No…he just isn't here." She said.

"Damn it…I knew it was too good to be true." Alex pouted.

"Alex." She said.

"Yeah…oh my god." Alex said looking down and seeing a revolver in her lap.

"So you decided to wait in this chair until I came home so you could kill me yourself? It almost worked, but you were too sloppy!" Alex said pulling out his knife. A bump was made downstairs and the basement door opened.

"Oh…that is what you were talking about. I'll just take this revolver and take care of…whatever the hell that noise was." Alex said as he took the revolver and walked off to the basement to face the unknown.

END OF CHAPTER

So as it turns out I have to log 32 hours of observation at a high school for an assignment which is why I haven't updated in awhile. I'm almost done so updates will be coming more frequent after that I hope. I will probably update Stupid Network next but it all depends on which I get ideas for the soonest. The Mega Man X parody is going to happen just as soon as I get a little farther into this story. But hopefully some more updates will be coming soon!


	3. Flooded Basements and Backyards

Chapter 3

Flooded Basements and Backyards

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this chapter.

As we last left Alex he was about to investigate the basement. He walked through the basement door and down the stairs and saw that the basement was flooded.

"Damn it the basement is flooded again! Hopefully dad left the pump down here or else…" Alex was interrupted by a splash somewhere in the basement.

"Alright that isn't normal, unless mom locked the dog down here again…I wouldn't put it past her though." Alex said as he moved through the water slowly when suddenly a creature jumped out of the water right in front of him!

"Holy shit! Zombie!" Alex said as he screamed as he kicked the creature in the face and sending it flying across the room and bouncing off of the wall and back into the water.

"Goooooooooaaaaaaaaallllll!" Alex yelled at the top of his lungs. He stopped to look at the creature. It had no eyes but it had a mouth but it was vertically across its face. It raised its hands to make a threatening gesture towards Alex, it fingers were hooks.

"Oh my god! It's Freddy Krueger's mutant son!" Alex said as he pulled out his knife and charged the thing.

Outside James was walking up to the house.

"I think this is the place, but I don't see anybody." James thought.

"Maybe I should go knock on the door." James said as he walked towards the door.

"Quit squirming!" He heard a voice yell from the basement.

"What the!" James thought to himself.

"I'm going to catch you eventually and then I'm going to plunge it in real deep!" He heard again.

"Then again…I can always wait outside." James said walking away from the house.

"Once it gets in there I am going to stab it in so many times! There is going to be blood all over the walls!" He heard the voice yell again.

"Alright, what in the hell!" James said walking back towards the house and breaking down the door. He saw Alex's mom.

"You I demand to know if there is an orgy going on in the basement! If there is why the hell wasn't I invited!" James yelled pointing his finger. Just then Alex came crawling out of the basement covered in blood.

"Oh hi Alex." James said still pointing at Alex's mom.

"James…how…did…you get here so fast." Alex said catching his breath.

"I took the subway…duh." James said rolling his eyes.

"But there isn't a subway in this town!" Alex yelled confused.

"I think that there is I just rode it." James said.

"No…no you didn't!" Alex yelled.

"Hey, what's up with here?" James said changing the subject.

"I don't know, something must have scared her…or she's just stupid." Alex said.

"You do know she is holding a gun right?" James said.

"Yeah, but it must not work." Alex said.

"How do you know that?" James asked.

"Well, she probably would have shot me the moment I walked in the door otherwise." Alex said.

"Well just in case." James said karate chopping her in the throat and taking the gun.

"WHAT THE HELL MAN THAT'S MY MOM!" Alex yelled.

"She was also the one with the gun, and I don't want to get shot today." James said as he tossed the gun to Alex.

"Oh you are afraid of getting shot, but yet you through the gun right to me with no problem." Alex said dryly.

"Yeah, what of it?" James asked.

"Nothing…lets go." Alex said as they walked out of the door.

"You there, I know your unconscious but get to work on arranging that orgy." James said as he walked out the door.

"It's just I as I thought the gun is jammed." Alex said.

"Did you try it?" James asked.

"Yeah I tried to shoot you as you walked out the door. I figured if it worked then you would die, if it didn't we would know the gun didn't work. Either way I walk away with a victory." Alex said.

"Glad I could help. So where are we headed?" James asked.

"Well, there is a pump in the basement that will pump the water out. I know there is a gas can in the garage, but it might be empty. We might need to siphon some gas." Alex said.

"Why?" James asked.

"Well we need to get into the backyard somehow." Alex said.

"You mean behind that fence?" James asked pointing towards a wooden fence.

"That's the place." Alex said.

"Good to know." James said as he charged the fence and crashed through it leaving a sizable hole.

"Dude what the hell!" Alex yelled.

"I just saved you about twenty minuets of pointless bullshit!" James said with a smile.

"But what if there is something In the garage I need?" Alex asked.

"Do you have a remote to open it?" James asked walking back to the garage.

"No but it might be inside…." Alex said but James just rushed towards the door and again broke right through.

"Seriously what the hell is wrong with you!" Alex yelled again.

"There isn't much in he…WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING!" James suddenly screamed.

"SCHREECH"

OH MY GOD IT HAS HOOKS FOR HANDS!" James yelled.

"SCHREECH"

"STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" James yelled as the thing came flying out though the garage door, making another sizable hole.

"Hey this is one of those things I killed in the basement." Alex said smiling.

"AHHHHHHH!" James yelled as he dove through the garage door, creating yet another hole.

"DIE!" James yelled as he bludgeoned the thing to death with a pipe.

"Shit." Alex said in shock.

"What in the hell was that thing?" James said standing up with blood all over his face.

"I haven't figured out yet…but I call them Lurkers." Alex said.

"That name sucks, how about Timmys." James said.

"But…" Alex started.

"Hey, found this in the garage, can I keep it?" James asked showing Alex the pipe.

"Sure, why not." Alex sighed.

"Awesome." James said as he shoved the pipe in his pocket, and it vanished from sight and made no indication that it was even in there.

"How did you…what…" Alex stammered.

"Forward march!" James yelled as he marched back toward the broken fence.

"I hate my life" Alex said, as he walked away the whole garage fell to the ground.

"Hey Alex, question." James said.

"Yes James." Alex said.

"Why the hell does you backyard lead right into the cemetery?" James asked.

"Probably because destiny hates me." Alex said.

"Aw was Destiny your girlfriend before you went into the service that cheated on you while you were gone?" James asked.

"Shut up James." Alex said as he walked out of his backyard into the cemetery.

"It sounds like someone needs a hug." James said rushing to catch up. When suddenly Travis fell out of the tree they were standing next to due to the branch breaking.

"Mark my words, I will kill you Alex Shepard! Then this adventure will be mine!" Travis yelled as another branch came down and hit him in the head.

Meanwhile in the cemetery Alex and James were walking around the cemetery as they came across a man digging on the other side of a fence.

"What in the hell is this guy doing?" James stopped to ask.

"Oh that is just Mayor Bartlett, he is a raging alcoholic, but when he gets really drunk he does some pretty weird things." Alex said.

"Like what?" James asked.

"He was out my house for my birthday once and he got so drunk he chased around my brother with a lead baseball bat screaming death to possums." Alex said.

"That is pretty funny. I wish I could have seen that." James said when suddenly a shovel full of dirt came and hit James in the face.

"Ha you deserve tha…" Alex was then hit too.

"Go kill the mayor?" James asked furious

"You're damn right I'm going to kill him, that had a rock in it!" Alex yelled as he ran off into the cemetery.

"Alex wait up!" James yelled and ran after him.

"WHOOOAAAHH!" Alex yelled as he fell in a huge hole.

"Alex are you okay?" James asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine." Alex said getting up, when he suddenly heard growling. He looked up to the other side of the hole where a dog with no fur came running right towards him.

"Not again!" Alex said as he pulled out his knife to fight the rabid dog.

END OF CHAPTER

Sorry it took so long but I plan to update this more frequently throughout the summer. It just took so long because I was finishing things up with school and all that jazz. But just so you know the question function from previous stories is still valid here, so if you have a question feel free to ask. Hopefully the new chapter will be up next week.


	4. What Took So Long

Chapter 4

What Took So Long

Disclaimer: Even after a year I still own nothing

"This is really intense" James said watching Alex square off against this rabid dog.

"I am waiting for it to make the first move" Alex said standing with his knife at the ready.

"Oh so that's why it has felt like we have been standing here for over a year." James said realizing that's why he has been so bored.

"You know what, screw it!" Alex yelled as he through his knife at the dog. The knife stabbed right between the dogs eyes, thus killing it.

"Well that was anti climactic." James whined.

"Shut up, I'm not here for your damn amusement." Alex replied as he pulled the knife from the dog's skull.

"What the hell is this thing?" James asked looking closer at the dog.

"We have both seen some strange shit and this is the thing that creeps you out? Weren't you also afraid of that last monster we saw as well?" Alex asks.

"Well I never said I had balls of steel." James said walking off.

"I'm pretty sure you said that when you married my cousin." Alex said following after him.

"Oh yeah! Man, that marriage was a pain in my ass." James said remembering.

"She was a pain in ours so you killing her was a pretty good day for us." Alex said as they walked to through the cemetery.

"Makes me wonder why I ever even married her. She threatened to bite my penis off within seconds of meeting me so that I could never have children." James said.

"That is the fear we all had when we met you. The thought of you having children is just scary, even to her." Alex said with a shudder.

"Well it looks like the joke is on the dead bitch because I have a loving daughter!" James exclaimed in victory.

"Her name is Heather right?" Alex asked.

"Yes and she is married now." James said like a happy father.

"So that means the breeding has begun?" Alex asked.

"Yep!" James said smiling.

"Oh dear god the end is near!" Alex screamed.

"Really? I can't see it anywhere." James said looking around.

"You are impossibly stupid." Alex said.

"Stupid isn't impossible." James said.

"You prove that every second you are alive." Alex said walking faster.

"Thanks buddy." James said happily.

"That wasn't a compliment!" Alex yelled from up ahead.

Meanwhile on the outskirts of town

"So how is the plan coming?" Margaret Holloway asked

"You mean the one about killing children to appease some weird monster things so we can live in this rundown shit hole of a town?" A mechanic said, he was also working on a watch at the same time.

"Yes that one! We must save Shepard's Glen!" She exclaimed.

"I really don't know why but whatever." He said not even looking up from his watch.

"I mean I even choked my own daughter to death." She said folding her arms and smirking.

"You proud of that?" He asked still not looking up.

"I sure am! I just love violence! Every time I inflict violence or have violence inflicted on me it turns me on!" She began to scream.

"Really?" The mechanic said finally looking up.

"Yes!" She yelled getting into it.

"Well then…" He said as he pulled out a gun and shot her in the leg.

"OH GOD YES! IT HURTS SO GOOD!" She began to scream.

"You are an odd one." He said looking back to his watch.

"You know you liked it." She said licking her blood trying to look seductive.

"Whatever." He said.

Back in the cemetery Alex and James were walking through a row of crypts.

"Why are we walking through the crypts?" James asked.

"Because the designer of this cemetery is an idiot." Alex answered as the row they were walking down came to an end.

"So now what?" James asked.

"Oh that's easy we go through the hole in this crypt to the other side." Alex answered.

"But what about this one that is boarded up? Couldn't we see if there is anything inside?" James asked pointing at the boarded up crypt.

"Nah, there's probably nothing of any interest in there anyway." Alex said going into the other crypt.

"Who the hell builds a crypt with a hole in it?" James asked following. On the other side the two made their way through a series of crypts and kept walking until they found themselves in a courtyard of sorts.

"What is this place?" James asked.

"This is Dead Man's courtyard." Alex replied.

"How did it get that name?" James asked intrigued.

"Well there was this time when two guys from a bar walked out here looking to resolve an issue with a fist fight." Alex said.

"Let me guess, one had a knife and stabbed one to death." James said.

"No, there was a picnic and these drunkards interrupted the picnic and the people got violent." Alex said.

"If they killed them why isn't it called Dead Men's courtyard?" James asked.

"Let's just say my dad was a really good runner." Alex said walking off.

"Yeah…wait what?" James said following him. He finally caught up to Alex who was standing in front of a gate.

"Damn! I forgot that they lock the gat due with some sort of lame puzzle lock." Alex said.

"Like we would have go back through the cemetery and look for stuff?" James asked.

"Yeah pretty much." Alex said.

"Screw that!" James said as he swung a kick at the gate and knocked the whole gate down.

"How the hell did you do that?" Alex asked surprised.

"Laziness. Also for convenience." James said walking out of the cemetery.

"Seems like a cop out to me." Alex said walking off. They were walking down the street when they came upon a woman standing on a stool putting up missing persons posters on an information board.

"That looks like Elle." Alex said. The woman promptly fell off the stool.

"Yep it's definitely Elle." Alex said walking up to her.

"Ouch. That really hurt." She said rubbing her bottom.

"You never were very coordinated." Alex said chuckling.

"ALEX!" She yelled as she jumped up and hugged him. Accidentally kneeing him in the crotch in the process.

"Elle! You b..b…beautiful girl you." Alex said controlling his emotions.

"Awh aren't you sweet." She said blushing.

"Dude she just kneed you in the crotch. She seems like a bitch." James said.

"What did he say?" Ellse asked.

"He said he thinks you are awesome." Alex said.

"No I didn't, I said she was a bitch." James said.

"Shut UP!" Alex said.

"I don't understand." She said looking upset.

"He's just special." Alex said.

"Damn right I'm special!" James said proudly.

"Oh. That makes it okay then!" She said happily.

"Right, so what are you hanging up?" Alex asked.

"Oh these, these are just missing persons posters." She said.

"Really who is all missing?" Alex asked.

"Pretty much everyone but you, me, my mom, Doc Fitch, Mayor Bartlett, Deputy Wheeler, and your mom." She said innocently.

"That's an oddly specific group. Where is everyone else?" Alex asked.

"I don't know my mom just told me to hang up these posters. But I said since we were the only ones in town why do we need to? She just said to maintain appearances. Then she just laughed and said everything is going according to plan." Elle said.

"I see. Do you have one of my brother? He went missing too." Alex said.

"You really miss him don't you?" Elle asked.

"Umm, yeah…he is a little bundle of joy." Alex said.

"Anything else you want while you are here…I can give you anything." Elle said seductively.

"Why would he want you when he could have your mom." James said chuckling.

"Why does everyone think my mom is so hot!" She yelled.

"Not my fault, when I got into to town she walked right up to me and grabbed me in the penis and said 'that's nice' and just walked away. Not going to lie, it was kind of hot." James said thinking back over the experience.

"James why don't we…" Alex began to say.

"Plus she looks like she is into some kinky stuff, also she seems like she has an ass that won't quit. Also…" James continued.

"JAMES! ENOUGH!" Alex yelled.

"What? Oh right…I'll be over here." James said walking off.

"Sorry about him. Where were we?" Alex asked.

"Your friend is a jerk!" Elle yelled running off crying.

"Thanks a lot asshole!" Alex yelled at James.

"What? You were thinking it." James said.

"Even if I was Elle is the only girl my age in this town that is willing to put up with my homicidal behavior." Alex said.

"So I just essentially cock blocked you?" James asked.

"Yes, yes you did!" Alex yelled.

"And don't you forget it!" James said walking off.

"What the hell does that mean? Also, where are you going?" Alex yelled.

"To a mechanic to see if he can fix this gun." James said.

"I feel like we have forgotten something but okay." Alex said running after James.

Meanwhile back in the cemetery.

"Now that I have dug the grave I can HIC climb in and save Dream HIC Land!" Mayor Bartlett yelled as he fell into the grave after blacking out. He had clearly drunken too much.

On the other side of town a trucker was walking through the streets.

"Downgrade me to cameo, I'll show him. Mark my words, I will kill you Alex Shepard!" Travis screamed as he punched a building. Almost at once the building fell over.

"Note to self, buy gloves." Travis said as he walked away quickly from the scene of the accident.

END OF CHAPTER

Well that took awhile. I mean a whole YEAR! Well hopefully it won't take me that long for another chapter. Thank you for being so patient with me. I hope to update more frequently than one chapter a year from now on. But as I do believe we have a question for one of our beloved…well one of our characters at least.

EternalFlare asks: "And I have a question for Alex: You say you hung out with Biggs and Wedge. That either makes you part of the Rebel Alliance (and a traitor) or a member of AVALANCHE. Or possibly a member of the Imperial Army. Or even a Galbadian soldier. So my question to you is: You ever been to Russia? I heard it's nice this time of year."

Alex: Well you see I used to make a yearly trip to Russia but the last time I went I was arrested for killing a bear taking off its head and wearing it.

James: They arrested you for that?

Alex: No, I was arrested for trying to take over a small town outside of Moscow claiming to be lord of the bears.

So there you have it folks! Alex has indeed been to Russia but can never go back. I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter and hopefully you will all get to see another one before 2012!


	5. Prune Juice

Chapter 5

Prune Juice

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, I would be a rich man.

"So how did you know there was a mechanic in town anyway?" Alex asked as he caught up to James.

"Well I kind of figured by looking at that billboard." James said pointing at a giant billboard near where they met Elle. It had a man with a very toothy grin and it read "Come to Curtis's repair emporium! Where the only thing higher than the quality of our work is our prices! We know you can choose to take your business elsewhere, but we know you people are so stupid you will still come here anyway! So kiss my ass and give me your money!"

"I don't know about that guy." Alex said looking at the billboard.

"He seems trustworthy and I bet he will give us a fair price!" James said very chipper.

"Did you even read the billboard?" Alex asked.

"Why would I need to read? When you have a face like that anybody can trust you!" James said happily as he ran off.

"So this is why he gave all his money to that Saudi 'prince'" Alex groaned as he followed him. They eventually found themselves in a junkyard.

"So, his place is run out of a junkyard? I guess I know where he gets his parts?" Alex said out loud.

"Really? Where does he get them?" James asked excited.

"Ebay James, Ebay." Alex groaned.

"I knew it, Ebay, the place of honest merchants. Not like that thieves den Amazon!" James said.

"Sometimes I wonder why Mary married you." Alex said.

"Because I'm sexy!" James yelled.

"I don't think that's it" As Alex tried to look for a door.

"Well, where the hell is the door!" Alex yelled.

"It's clearly a test to see if we are worthy enough to be in the presence of such a skilled repair man." James said.

"Or it's because he is a jackass who likes jerking his clients around" Alex said annoyed.

"How could you say such a thing Alex!" James yelled when a dog jumped at Alex.

"OH SHIT BALLS!" Alex yelled as he stabbed the dog through the head and killed it.

"What the hell was that for!?" James yelled.

"It was another monster right?" Alex looked down, it was a normal dog.

"Well…shit." Alex said.

"Oh god! Let's get our story straight. The dog came at us with a gun and demanded our money. It was self-defense!" James yelled.

"Dude…we could just say it was an accident." Alex said.

"But the cops may not believe us, oh man, I can't go to jail again! Last time it was horrible. The bunnies." James said terrified.

"Damn how bad was it?" Alex asked.

"Our jail was so violent that once a man was murdered in the bathroom by one man. He stabbed him with a knife, beat him with a piece of wood, and then with his fists. The worst part is the guards let him do it!" James said.

"James, stop being retarded…that would never happen." Alex said looking around.

"I'm telling you man the prison was ran by a guy who wore black leather gloves! The only one stopping him was this really nice prison guard but he got killed by an inmate, or was it that guard with the gloves? For some reason I can't remember who killed him…I hope that's not important." James said. No response had come and James noticed Alex was gone.

"Hey!" James ran after Alex. They wandered around the junkyard for a little while and eventually made their way to the front of the house.

"We have passed the repair god's test!" James exclaimed with childlike glee.

"Yay…now let's go in." Alex said as they walked inside. When they went in they saw a very bored man tinkering with a clock, as well as a bunch of clocks on the wall.

"Are you Curtis?" Alex asked.

"No, I'm Jenny Curtis's secretary" Curtis said sarcastic.

"Cute." Alex said.

"Dude don't be gay" James said.

"What!?" Alex yelled.

"What can I do for you?" Curtis said not even looking up from his work.

"Smile like on your billboard!" James yelled.

"No" Curtis said.

"Awh…but why not?" James whined.

"Because shut the hell up" Curtis said still looking at his clock.

"Can you repair things?" Alex asked. This got Curtis's attention.

"No son, I just run this repair shop as a front so I can kidnap people for some sort of religious cult and then I take said people back to our headquarters and butcher them with a saw." Curtis said.

"Okay okay…can you fix this gun?" Alex asked handing Curtis the broken revolver.

"Yeah I see the problem." Curtis said.

"Great so you can fix it?" Alex asked.

"Sure, one million dollars." Curtis said.

"Seem fair." James said as he began to pull out his wallet.

"No, is there anyway you could do it for five dollars?" Alex asked.

"For five dollars I can give you this handgun that only lets you hold two clips." Curtis said.

"Well that does seem better than a broken magnum. Plus I can always carry more ammo." Alex said.

"I meant the gun limits how many clips you can carry on your person." Curtis said.

"How the hell does it do that?" Alex asked.

"Beats the hell out of me." Curtis said as Alex gave him the money.

"Alright!" Alex yelled as he tried to fire the gun. Nothing happened.

"Is this gun broken?!" Alex asked.

"I sold you the gun, I never said anything about ammo." Curtis said.

"You know what? Screw this!" Alex yelled as he stormed outside.

"Thank you come again." Curtis said looking back as his clock.

"I have a question." James said.

"Shoot." Curtis said.

"Do you have a dog by chance?" James asked.

"Yeah, she is a good dog, in fact she is about to have puppies. Why?" Curtis said smiling.

"No reason, look it's 2:06! I gotta go!" James said running away. Curtis just chuckled.

"Dumbasses." Curtis said as he turned the safety off the revolver and shot the clock he was working on.

Alex was just crossing the bridge as James caught up.

"I hate that bastard! I swear I'm gonna kill him."

"Well you did kill his dog so…does that make you even?" James asked.

"Not by a long shot!" Alex yelled as he walked to the street.

"Hey guys." A raspy voice said.

"Alex, from one bro to another, work on your anger." James said.

"Hey guys" The raspy voice said again prompting James to look at it.

"Would you guys like some prune juice?" an armless figure asked.

"NOT AGAIN!" James screamed as he launched at the armless figure and began to beat it to death with his fists. Before too long it was dead.

"Dude what the hell!? You said I have anger issues!" Alex yelled.

"I've seen this before, or something very similar, almost ripped off." James said.

"What the hell are you talking about!?" Alex yelled.

"They must have unionized. I'm going to find the nest and kill them." James said grabbing Alex's gun and pulling a clip out from his jacket.

"You had ammo?!" Alex screamed.

"Always be prepared." James said as he ran off.

"What in the hell just happened?" Alex said as he began after James. He ran back down the streets and heard gunfire coming from the cemetery. As he walked in he saw more prune juice salesmen lying dead from gunshot wounds. Alex continued through the cemetery and eventually to the courtyard where he saw James standing over two other prune juice salesmen.

"This world has been cleansed." James said.

"Dude, do you hate prune juice or something?" Alex asked.

"What are you talking about? I love the stuff!" James said happily.

"I am not even going to ask." Alex said looking around.

"Why the hell are we back here?" He asked.

"Maybe we are destined to become grave robbers!" James said as he ran over to a tomb and tried to pry it open.

"What in the hell are you doing?" Alex asked.

"I'm going to loot this grave! Their dead they don't need their valuables!" James said pulling on the door.

"Point taken." Alex said as he punched the door and it flew open.

"Whoa! You are the brawn and I am the brain!" James said.

"I doubt that very much." Alex said.

"So here is the coffin!" James exclaimed.

"It looks like it's locked by this weird puzzle contraption; let me try to unlock it." Alex said reaching for it as James shot it with the gun and the coffin opened.

"Don't let the MAN tell you how to solve puzzles." James said.

"James how did you know to shoo…" Alex said as he looked over and James was unconscious on the floor.

"What the hell? Oh there it goes." Alex said as he passed out.

When Alex awoke he was lying in the middle of the street. James was already up and looking around.

"James? What the hell happened? Where are we?" Alex asked very groggy.

"Either we are in Silent Hill or Budapest." James said.

"Budapest?" Alex asked as a building nearby exploded!

"What the hell!?" Alex screamed.

"Never mind, we're in Detroit." James said. Suddenly there was movement inside the building.

"Is someone in there?" Alex asked.

"Next time COUGH blow up the bombs COUGH after you steal the loot." A man in a blue coat said as he walked outside and fell face onto the pavement.

"Wait…I know that person!" James exclaimed.

"Oh…that voice…hey James" The man said not moving and still lying face down.

"Walter! It's been too long!" James said happily.

"Not long enough it seems." Walter said again still lying down on the ground.

"Wait Walter the guy who got drunk at your wedding and tried to sleep with the bridesmaids?" Alex asked. Walter looked up and made eye contact with Alex.

"Wait don't tell me…Alex Shepard?" Walter asked.

"I'm surprised remember considering how drunk you were." Alex said.

"You know what they say, it isn't a wedding until someone pees on the mother of the bride!" Walter said climbing up to his feet.

"He's right, that makes the wedding." James said.

"So what brings you to town?" Walter asked.

"I don't know how we got here we just woke up in the street." Alex said.

"So business then." Walter said when there was a scuttling behind them.

"Is that?" Alex asked as he looked closer. He saw Josh running into the a building.

"There you are you little shit!" Alex yelled as he ran past Walter and towards Josh.

"Nothing's going to get in my way this time!" Alex screamed.

END OF CHAPTER

Well, that took a while…almost a year. But here it is! A new chapter! Hopefully there will be more frequent updates. I also plan to update Stupid Network as well, but we'll see how that goes. I'd like to think everyone for being so patient. Here's hoping I get off my lazy butt and update more often.


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